IP: Well, you're looking for someone with a Masters in Flea Training, and I have that. Graduated at the top of my class at the Institutional Flea Trainers' Flea Brain Society of Seminary Cemeterians.

RR: Ah yes, the good 'ole Flea Trainers' Flea Brain Society. Can't think of a Seminary Cemetarian they've produced that didn't do a great job of flea training. The fact you graduated at the top of your class causes me to feel blessed to be in your presence.  

IP: Thank you. You know, I'm a PK (Preacher's Kid), and watched my Dad train fleas every Sunday. He too got his degree from the Institutional Flea Trainers' Flea Brain Society of Seminary Cemeterians. Just keeping the legacy alive.

RR: Please, bring me up to speed on the latest in flea training. I haven't studied up lately.

IP: Nothing has changed much. Still the same old, same old, literally and figuratively. Flea training is derived from a method of taking a mayonnaise size jar with hundreds of fleas inside. You simply place a lid on the jar with holes in the top for air to breathe through. You then leave the jar as it is for three days. When you come back you can take the lid off the jar, and the fleas will not jump higher than the top of the jar.

RR: Very good. Tell me, how would you go about building a church here?

IP: First, we have to have a vision.

RR: Good, go on.

IP: It all starts with constructing a large state of the art building complex. Large auditorium with top of the line lighting, sound, and seating. Of course, the seating must be set where people sit in a row of noses looking into the back of the heads of those in front of them. We don't want them looking at each other face to face - especially with me as the main speaker week after week, month after month, year after year...ad nauseam. They might engage each other more deeply than we want, become transparent, open and honest with each other, and then find out they don't need me. Without doubt rows of noses is the way to go.  

RR: Not jump out? Amazing! How's that?

IP: Well, you see, the fleas will not jump out because they have been conditioned to think they can't jump out. It's how a flea brain works. Funny thing is we humans can be trained similarly in the church edifice if it's set up properly. It's all about domination and control.

RR: Phew, don't want them thinking they don't need you. I'm with you - go ahead.

IP: Don't want any back and forth dialogue while I'm talking, either - must control and dominate. Must do this to get them conditioned to think I'm the top dog - the lid of that flea jar. It also helps build spiritual co-dependency, what I call the "Wizard of Oz" aura. Builds the perception I am the "all powerful." Causes them to submit to my 'spiritual authority.'

RR: You gonna let it sit empty throughout the week?

IP: Of course, we've been doing it that way for over 1700 years dating all the way back to Constantine in the third century.

RR: Never even gave it a second thought until now. Does seem like a waste of resources, ya think?

IP: See there, you're just now giving it serious thought. Flea training works pretty good, huh? Funny thing is, after we're well into flea training our flea brained congregants will never give it a second thought either. They'll pass our empty parking lot and empty building day in and day out, and won't give it a moment's notice.

RR: How you gonna fund this flea jar...I mean church building.

IP: Gotta keep that money coming in, that's for sure. I'll simply remind them of the Malachi Tithe on a consistent basis. That is, that they are to bring 10% of their income week by week to place in the offering plate. I tell them they are commanded by God to do so, or else.

RR: Or else what? I thought that law was nailed to the cross -- Colossians 2:14. 

IP: It was nailed at the cross, but we don't tell them that.

RR: Excuse me.

IP: Think about it. We take this dead law, exhume it from the grave, and beat the flea brains over the head with it over and over again. Just another way to condition them and maintain our domination and control. We'll tell them they're stealing from God, and that they'll be under a curse from God if they don't bring their Malachi Tithe to the storehouse.

RR: Stealing from God? Curse? Storehouse?

IP: Yea, tell them they're stealing...gets'em feeling guilty. The curse thing brings the fear. The storehouse...they had a storehouse in the Synagogues in ancient Israel to bring the tithes to, but we don't although we tell them to bring their tithes to what we call a storehouse -- even though it isn't.

RR: And, you're trained by seminary cemeterian professors on how to do this? Interesting. Now, you said, tithe(s), plural?

IP: Yea, they were actually three tithes with one paid over three years. This, of course, makes it 23.3%, not the 10% we teach. And, it wasn't money, it was livestock and goods. It was also an ancient tax on Israel, not a gift as we teach. 10% keeps it simple. We've taught it this way so long no need to change it now. Remember, it's all about conditioning those flea brains. Don't want them jumping out of that jar. Gotta keep it in the family - know what I mean?

RR: You're making me a little nervous, here. Sounds rather MONSTROUS!

IP: Hey, listen, it's all part of the family code. It's our little secret, you know, just a family thing. We've kept it under wraps for centuries. Not to worry, they'll never catch it. Our flea training has become so steeped in their minds they'll listen and do just about anything we tell them to do. Like I said...been goin' on for centuries.

RR: The "Family Code?" They teach this at the Institutional Flea Trainers' Flea Brain Society of Seminary Cemeterians?

IP: Of course they do. You think they're gonna stop teaching it? Forget it. We're sending them money from it. It's all in the family.  Heck, we even got a 'seed gift miracle' thing going. It's really big on TV. "Send money, and get a miracle", we say. Brings in mountains of cash. They don't get a miracle, of course. We simply tell them it's because they lack faith, or have a secret sin in their life. They buy it everytime - keep sending money thinking they're gonna get that miracle. Flea Brains!

RR: Listen, I'm getting a very bad stomach ache, here. Feel as if I might throw up. Let's wrap it up. I'll give you a call if we need you, sound good?

IP: Sure, sure, no hurry. You just call me when you're ready. And, hey, don't you forget to tithe this Sunday, now. It'll keep you as part of THE FAMILY.

NEXT UP: INTERVIEW WITH IN HOME ORGANIC CHURCH PLANTER

TITHE MONSTER

Colossians 2:14

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FLEA TRAINING! HIDY HO! HIDY HO!
OFF TO DEFEND THE STATUS QUO!

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RR: I see. Tell me more.

CEMETERIAN

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I can kind of become like a God to them. Actually, many will worship me more than God. Quite a head trip. Intoxicating -know what I mean? I can now keep them 'jarred up' in the 'jar'. Can't jump out because I condition them to think they can't. Got'em where I want'em. Again, control and domination.

RR: Still getting the job done at the 'ole Institutional Flea Trainers' Flea Brain Society of Seminary Cemeterians, I see.

IP: Yep.

RR: So, now, you build this large edifice. What do you do with it?

IP: We'll let it sit empty for the most part. Mostly, it will be used for my Sunday flea training. You know, we'll get two to four hours a week use from it. It's all I need.

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